i have this fascination with the last frame on a roll ...

dunno why.

but this is one.

she had her back to me.

i asked, "hey baby ... let me make one more photo."

she adjusted herself on the bench and gave me this look.

again, 'twas the last frame on the roll.

what i love is there's this combination of inquistive yet oh-jeez-another-photo ...

but ...

she's always game for a photo.

guess she always has been. from this first "real photo" i made of her barely 11 months old and already walking.

'twas in the park behind where my wife and shared a house ...

still love that photo.

funny because many people get sad when they think of the "previous life," ya' know?

i don't.

it's always a transition. from here to there.

from there to yet somewhere else.

seriously, this little girl's life has been documented like no other i know.

in film.

in digital.

in polaroid.

35mm.

hassie.

rollei.

the gamut.

i don't know how much it would cost to hire someone like myself to make photos of a child's life ...

i mean ... i'm sure there's someone out there who could do it ...

most probably in dubai or saudi.

but ... i make photos of B. because ... dunno ... well ... yes ...

i do.

because no other person -- not even my parents, perhaps -- have had an impact on my life ... like her.

many others are an inspiration to my life ... but ... i've learned so much from this little girl.

she's taught me more about myself ... i mean ... i've always known who i am ...

but ... until you have a child ... you have no real idea what love is.

real love.

what it is to love without any restrictions.

she's taught me that.

and if that's the way i feel ... i now know how my own parents felt.

looking into those eyes ... i not only see myself ... to a degree which i've never experienced ...

but ... i see this beautiful person.

and beautiful doesn't even cut it.

it's something much more palpable.

and on this day ... the day i remember being scared shitless ... 12 years prior ...

i remember ...

how my life changed.

how what was once important ... wasn't shit.

money.

cars.

whatever.

it didn't mean shit to me.

seeing those eyes look back at me ...

her hanging on me.

chimp-like ... but ... still ...

the attachment and closeness to another human ... which ... just ... perhaps wasn't there before.

i still have her first year candle. a cute little candle with a clown hanging on it.

even though her mom and i were going thru whatever we were going thru ...

my memory was beautiful.

is beautiful.

and as much as i believe she's beautiful on the outside ...

this little girl is beyond when it comes to who she is.

inside.

"you know, dad, that my party is on saturday. you're not working. you know that. i reserved you 12 years ago."

and she did.

and i wouldn't have it any other fucking way.

shit ... i said fuck.

i'm horrible.

nikon fm2n. zeiss zf 50/1.4. 1/500th at f/2.0. Open shade. Kodak Portra 160VC. Exposed and processed normal c-41.

Where it's different is that the image was acquired from scan and edited with LightZone by LightCrafts. I've been looking for a simple photoediting programme which ran natively as a universal application on the new macbookpro. this one does. and ... although i'm still getting used to it and experimenting with work-flow issues ... it is very very interesting in the way it's so simple and handles what i do with my images. More to come on this very simple and intuitive editing solution. Truthfully, i'm getting sick of Adobe domination. Besides the fuckers haven't made a version of PS for my new fucking mac.

shit ... i just said fuck again.

thought i was in daughter-mode.